Joe sees you at your mail box and pulls up in his Toyota Rav4.
He asks you: “Did you have a good Thanksgiving feast?”
You start to answer and Joe begins to very slowly drive off. Not noticeably at first. You continue to talk. Joe continues to drive away. You continue talking and trying to keep up with him as he very slowly drives away. You do not succeed.
That was incredibly rude. Kind of a teenage trick, right? Though I am old enough now that I generally no longer think mean things are funny, there are exceptions. This is one of them. I laughed till I nearly puked when I heard this described to me.
I hasten to add that I have never executed this bit of humiliation. But I thought if you were in an ornery mood post-Thanksgiving, you might enjoy a bit of teenagery baseness.
Thanksgiving is kinda weird in the era of super-abundant food, isn’t it? And not just abundant. SUPER-abundant. It’s hard to stay away from food these days — a situation unprecedented in human history. Thanksgiving commemorates a harvest festival, which was a way to enshrine the feeling that “ for the first time all year, we feel we can finally get enough to eat, for chrissake.” It’s weird to celebrate these days, no? Most of us in the developed nations (certainly not all!) are drowning in multiple-plenitude, except for peace-of-mind of which we have very little, almost none.
We should turn it into a fast day, no? We could all get together and sit very quietly — NO TALKING! — and sip green tea (Genmaicha hopefully). And quiet the mind by focusing in on the world as it is around us instead of what was in the past, or will be in the future or should be because we want it that way…. since desire is not the enemy but clinging and craving are.
Or at least you all can do that. I’m going shopping (see shopping list below).
Vermont and Vermont-inspired objects to buy for all the ingrates in your life. Buy Vermont! We really really need your money!
1. Darn Tough Socks: Pricey but an unconditional lifetime guarantee. They get a hole, you sent ‘em back and they give you new ones. CRAZY. Made in Vermont.
2. Vermont Coffee: No, we haven’t figured out how to grow coffee here, but this is exploitation-free coffee. AMAZING! Or at least that’s what they say. I never believe anything anymore unless I see it for myself.
3. Vermont Block n Toy: Friends of ours make these marvelous natural wood toys with zero varnishes, paints, stains or dyes. Also beautiful to look at. We’ve seen them up close and they’re exquisite. Underpriced in my opinion. (We are not getting kickbacks.) Made in Vermont.
4. No slip ice mat: For your old people.
5. Tired old ass soak mineral bath salts: You need it.
6. Whole Beast Butchery: If you have anyone interested in butchering meat (excluding people) or the culinary back-story of meat cuts, this is probably the best guide you could buy. It’s very well thought-through visually, and thus very helpful.
7. Mukluks: If you want to be feet-warm in a very cold place, listen closely and don’t contradict me. This is how you do it.
This is insider information guys. They’re not that pretty, but they are THE REAL DEAL. (And you might suddenly notice from whence UGGs got their strange idea.) Made in the USA.
8. Red Ants Pants: These are work pants for women. These are for women who work outdoors (farming, ranching, construction, etc.). The real deal. Not for the princesses in your life (though hopefully you don’t have very many of those). This is for women who don’t mind getting dirty.
9. Biolite camp stove: This is the coolest thing ever (not that I have one). You can stay warm during Hurricane Sandy using scavenged wood scraps AND you can charge your cell phone at the same time. WHO DOESN’T NEED THIS!?